Dreamer

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I’m a dreamer.
I believe in things that may or may not be possible.
I live a life waiting for romance. I live a life waiting for adventure and fulfilment of promises.
I’m a fool.

I wait for him. The man that took my heart when I was as young as seventeen. It feels like centuries. Has he ever even thought of me? While his name plays through the back of my mind at least twice a day.
I imagined a life with him. A love so passionate and safe.
I imagined a time where he would look into my eyes and tell me he loved me.

Now I go to sleep hoping I will see his face. Because in my dreams he cares. Only in my dreams can I connect with his soul, not like reality, where I face his dismissive ego.

So I’m stuck in a daydream, in a blurred haze, where all that matters is how long he will take.

Life decisions

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I’ve been considering my life plan a lot lately. I have so many questions for my self and questions I can’t always answer. I hit twenty years of age in July and I still find myself often wondering what it is I want to do in life.
Do I want to settle down and raise a family? Do I want to be successful in a career and dedicate everything to it? Do I want to travel the world and see beautiful sights and meet wonderful people?
Truth is I want to do all of this, so why do I find it so difficult to incorporate all of these things to my ‘master life plan’?
It’s often confusing as to what I want to do, as it is for many other people. But I am going through a transition of seriously considering my options. Hopefully I choose the right path. The trick is to do what will make you happy.

Here’s hoping.
T x

Life & Death

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We all live our lives in constant fear, fear of anything and everything. Something that you are scared of may seem really silly to the next person and ‘vice versa’. Our fears limit us to doing what it is we want, it limits us to try new things and experience events, all because we are scared of the consequences, we are scared of the ‘what if’s”.

At times some people are confident and fearless, for example myself. I sometimes say that I am not even scared of death itself, but I know that is a lie. Because I am scared of many things, and I’m not just talking spiders, I’m talking life altering fears. Fears that stop me from doing what I really want to do. There are so many things that I believe would make me happy, but I never go out and try it, or never put anything at risk, because I am scared of the consequences, I fear my decisions, because it could alter my future, my path, we have programmed ourselves so much as to what life should be, that we are scared to make moves, we are too busy trying to achieve the ‘perfect life’ that we don’t stop and consider our happiness.

Death is a scary thing, and it is even worse to lose someone who is close to your heart, to lose someone that has touched your soul, who has made you smile, who you have memories with. It is almost impossible to imagine a life without them. Why should you? Someone you love so much surely cannot pass away. But we do encounter loss. There is nothing you can do about it, it will stick with you for the rest of your life, you will always feel that sharp pain in your heart, or the big lump in your throat every time that person crosses your mind. You will always wonder ‘what would I be doing right now if that person was still here?’, and it’s not fair. But you cannot let the death of someone be the death of you. Is that what they would want? For you to suffer, cry and stop living your life? Well I don’t know, I cannot answer that, it is something each individual has to consider and ask themselves, each person lives through a different experience, no two people are the same in feelings, just as no two people are the same in loss.

Each person has a different meaning to someone and this is what truly makes them individual and differs them from everyone else.

So what are we afraid of?

What are we waiting for?

When will you start living your life?

 

T x

 

Inspiration

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I almost never find inspiration, especially when I am looking for it. If you look for it, it almost never comes to you, because you’re waiting and expecting it, and your mind can become even more blocked and closed off. Inspiration is random, it can pop up anytime it likes, and give you a new idea, or new thoughts. Inspiration is what allows us to create and build beautiful things, and develop marvelous creations.

I love to write, if there is one thing that can relax me and make me happy, it is to write. The written subject can be anything, it can be a short story, a poem, random song lyrics, I just love it. However, I can become really blocked when it comes to writing. Is it because I have too much choice? Is it because my imagination is limited at the time? I don’t know the correct answer, but I have found a way to help myself with this issue, and I am still adapting to it.

I have started to collect and build up on a ‘scrapbook’. Now, I’ve always loved the idea of owning a funky, pretty and inventive scrapbook, but it always seems harder than it looks to keep it up, especially when things get hectic in life. However, documenting my ideas, inspirational pictures, colorful patterns and fabrics in a scrapbook is my perfect remedy for my ‘writers block’. It allows me to look back at my favorite things, and extract some inspiration from it.

So why not have a go at it? Let me know what you think guys..

 

T x

Late Nights & Wandering Minds

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The curse of insomnia creeps up when the day becomes night, and the sky becomes black. Sometimes it’s a constant thing for an individual, sometimes it happens unexpectedly, and your mind seems to wander, becoming wrapped up in unrealistic thoughts and fears start to pull at your heart strings.

Why does this issue occur? Throughout the day we are occupied, at work, studying, talking to friends, spending time with family and getting tasks done. However when the night falls, we are alone, in our rooms, the day slows down, we have time to think, to let our minds generate ideas, thought processes, scenarios and our mental stability can collapse in a matter of seconds, temporarily.

Our fears are what define us, it’s what makes us who we are, it is what pushes us to become the best of ourselves, to have no limitations. What are my biggest fears in life? In my mind I am happy, I make myself believe that I do not have any fears, and that my life is complete, I make myself believe that I do not need anyone to make me happy, or material objects. In my mind, I have what I need, and what I need is enough. But this is far from the truth. Because when you have time to stop and think about it, your subconsciousness kicks in, and all of the pain, emptiness and fear reveals itself in a quick moment.

Like most people, my fears are simple, yet the only objects stopping me from achieving what I need to, they are limitations that I have set myself without any intention to, without any control over the matter. I fear that one day I will not be happy with a decision I have made, that I will lead myself down the wrong path, and regret. I fear that I will never meet my soul mate, and I will one day marry and create a life with the wrong person. I fear that I will not succeed in my career, and that perhaps I will regret my career path. So in summary, I am fearful of life, of what my life will become.

What will my life become?

I will not let my fears impact the way I live my life. I will live in the moment, making everyday count, every second, holding precious memories in my mind and letting go of things that are made and meant to stay in the past.

After all… If you spend your life fearing and worrying, you’re not living and if you’re not living, there is no point…

 

T x

The War of the Wardrobe

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You know the basics of women and their angry fits when trying to find something to wear out or to a special event that has been planned for weeks. Personally, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to getting ready to go somewhere. My most common mistake is tricking myself into believing that I have an outfit figured out for an event such as a wedding or birthday party. Then what I do is, after having a shower and pampering myself, I put this ‘oh so great’ outfit on, and I start to freak out, because it may not look right, or doesn’t flatter me in any way whatsoever.

“I have nothing to wear!” is my number one sentence, that will probably be used for the rest of my life, but the truth is far from that. My clothes take up two wardrobes in my room, and half of my clothes are in my brothers cupboards. My room is always a mess from throwing around clothes that anger me. Yes, I do get angry at the clothes, to a point where I could swear at them, and then swear at myself, for not having a perfect figure, and eating that extra portion of fries.

I believe that this will always be a problem for us ladies, after all we just want to look good and make an impression, we also want to feel good and empowered. Fashion is definitely a way to express these factors. I am currently a little frightened to open my cupboard as I know a pile of clothes, books or shoes will attack my face, get me some armor!

So, although this post does not prove to be helpful of solving this problem, I just wanted fellow ladies to know that: You are certainly not the only one.. So yes, we do need weeks of planning, give us a chance!

 

T x

 

I See Summer

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Summer is approaching at a very fast speed. It is time to ditch the junk food ladies and gents, it is time to hit the gym, try some Zumba, or even jog around your garden, because if you’re anything like me, you want to avoid tantrums when trying to dress in heated weather, whether it is in the UK or abroad on holiday.

I have always had a problem with my arms and thighs, they are my two focus areas when trying to tone up and lose weight. I have decided to start going back to the gym, which I pay a lot of money each month, but I never go. I plan to go at least four times a week for an hour each day (minimum). I also plan to eat healthily, this means cutting out carbs, and basing my diet around fruit and vegetables. If I can’t stick to it (I’ve attempted dieting many times before with failure), then I do not know what I will do, come June.

It’s time for me to make an adult decision and search my wardrobe for my sports bra and trainers.

Wish me luck guys, and good luck to all of you who are doing the same. WE CAN DO THIS!

T x